The Reality of War

The military community has been spending a great deal of time discussing the issues facing service personnel returning from Afghanistan and Iraq. The D.O.D. and the V.A. have been working overtime to provide resources and support to veterans with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, addiction and a host of other worries that plague returning troops. When my husband returned from Iraq, we were offered five free “helping” sessions- they were careful to stress that it was not counseling or therapy- after which, we were on our own. In our first session, my husband talked about the nightmares, the sounds that would trigger a flashback or a rush of fear. Our “helper” chose to focus that particular session on….our financial situation. She was a civilian, working for an agency that handles mostly substance abuse cases, and was thoroughly unfamiliar with any of the issues facing military families, much less returning vets. We stopped going after three, not-so-helpful, sessions.
And so, my husband entered private therapy, at a cost of $85.00 a week which we often didn’t have. I was no longer a part of this process. The impact of his deployments on our family was no longer addressed. We were simply supposed to continue on as if nothing had changed. But we had been changed. Rob came back hardened, angry. I was angry myself, bitter and resentful. We both experienced PTSD. It wasn’t until two years after his return that I learned that there was a name for my new reality- Secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; a phenomenon that is growing among military families, especially spouses and children. Any reminder of his deployment, such as hearing about a group deploying or returning from Iraq, would send me into sobbing panic attacks. I experience what I called “home-front flashbacks”, sudden overwhelming feelings of isolation, fear, depression, helplessness, triggered by commercials, news stories, or a particular song on the radio. What use were these “helping sessions” when our “helper” had no concept of what life was like for a military family?
I hear people talk about “the reality of war”. Unless you have lived it….unless your spouse or child has been deployed, the war is not your reality. At a speech given by a member of Iraq Veterans Against the War, it was said that this is the first time in history that the full impact of war has been borne by military families alone, and that it is brutally unfair to expect so small a population to bear such fear and trauma and grief alone. The average American puts a magnetic yellow ribbon on the back of their SUV and calls themselves patriotic. But to live, day in and day out with the true reality of war is utterly foreign to most of them.
This was my reality: to watch the news each night, praying to hear some news about my husband, while at the same time hoping to god I don’t. To see civilian friends drift away, stop calling, because they don’t know what to say; almost as if your husband is already dead. To be badgered by Family Support or Public Affairs, into demonstrating the idealized military family at media events, patriotically holding down the home front while the “head of the household” fights overseas- this exploitation is particularly difficult if you happen to be against the war. To watch the death toll rise, ever aware of the fact that any death could’ve been your husband. To be unable to distance yourself from these losses- to view each one as personal, each one is a near-miss, and each tombstone as your own. This hit our family especially hard when we lost my husband’s cousin to an IED. The PTSD triggered in us both, the reality of the fear brought up by this loss, was nearly unbearable.
To expect military families to go through this war alone is unconscionable. We are strong, yes; but we are not unbroken. Our children witness their mother’s tears and their fathers rage. As wives, we endure our own nightmares and flashbacks in silence, for fear of adding to our husbands’ burden. Our husbands are changed in ways we don’t understand, bearing pain we cannot ease no matter how desperately we try. There are no words to describe the reality of war. The fear doesn’t end just because your spouse returns. The nightmares don’t stop just because your “helping sessions” have run out. We need to find a better way. Military families can’t do this alone anymore.